What I Am and Who I Am

May 19, 2025 at 3:33 AM

nonself
"If I show you my true self, you will become afraid of me and view me no longer as I once was. Are you sure you want to really know me?"

Starting off my first blog post by being personal and political, absolutely terrible idea. Be warned for I do mention slurs, gripe about nonconforming political garbage, talk about bad experiences and sexual stuff, etc. This blog post is very long. I sincerely ask that you come from a place of understanding before continuing, don’t forget I have my own autonomy and thoughts too. I kinda want this to be like an introduction to who I am as a person, rather than an artist. I’m not a brand and I never want to be. They say to never meet your inspirations, now is the time to turn back or gaze into the abyss or whatever pretentious nerds say.

It feels good to have my own site and be able to say what I want. I don’t like to post about myself publicly on my socials because you are not there for me, you are there for my creations. Here I can make it more for myself and I guess keep things somewhat separated. I've gotten into my head "I need to be professional" and that means putting away my person and humanity, if that makes sense? Social media has ruined my perception of art. I'm afraid of disappointing people, I HAVE to appeal to everyone like a squeaky clean brand, but I don't want to be like that. I want to make art for the joy and not for what other people think. I don’t know, I feel it's selfish or something. Social media has made me feel like my self-expression is selfish, it demeans my individuality and humanity.

I'm a pretty contrarian person. I don't mean that in a pretentious hipster way, I mean it in a "why" way, if that makes sense. Why do you think the way you do? If everyone else says it's okay, why is it okay for you to do too? I'm not one for following others beliefs, I question everything to the point of argument and annoyance. I grew up in a conservative Christian household/town and always kind of rebelled against the notion of Christianity and traditional beliefs. It didn’t make sense to me, it never could have. The "why" of it was too abstract and personal to the believer. My parents, to my eternal gratefulness, gave me the choice of freedom to believe in however I want and behave however I want.

As a teen I found the occult to be incredibly fascinating. Something that was seen as taboo in the environment I grew up in, something to be avoided. I always viewed it as knowledge with a terrifying exterior that scares away those who do not dare seek the truth. The iconography of Lucifer has always stuck with me and that's what I based my beliefs upon: 'The rebellious angel who dared to question. Truth above all else.' To have knowledge and ultimately be yourself, but this mindset has hurt me quite a lot. The other side of Lucifer: 'The Devil. Prince of pariahs. The god of the alienated.' I actually based my favorite OC, Bassbane, on this concept. I unhealthily question every single thing to the point people get mad at me. I’ve joked about noticing patterns and someone said it was an “alt-right” dog whistle which is really sad. Noticing and learning as much as I can is an alt right thing now? How unfortunate. Wait until you hear about sacred geometry! No, do not notice anything! NOTICING PATTERNS IS NOT PART OF YOUR BIOLOGY AS A HUMAN! I want to know the ultimate truth of everything and this is, for some reason, a bad thing. Lucifer giving knowledge to humanity is a “bad thing”.

I will do anything to be myself and not change for others unless I have a truthful reason, but what if I can't understand? My brain can't comprehend some things and that stubbornness to be myself makes me a sardonic hothead. This is when I scare people. I am unsure if it's because of my diagnosis of Asperger's from when I was younger, but people have described me as unempathetic, cold, and robotic. Someone close to me jokingly calls me "Spock" from Star Trek lol. If you're not giving me the information or tools for me to understand, I will get mad. Telling me "because I said so" or "I just feel that way" is the biggest no-no for me. That's not reasonable for me to understand nor respect you. I'm aware my actions can make me an asshole, but why do you show me no empathy when I truly, from the absolutely deepest bottom of my heart, want to understand? When that understanding is severed, the empathy deteriorates.

This has been such a huge, HUGE conflict for me, spiritually and philosophically. If someone is hurt by my actions and I cannot understand why and no matter how many times they tell me why, if I cannot understand, I will get mad. If you do not wish to tell me why, I get even more mad because I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. It is a problem with you, I think, because it does not make sense to me. So people start berating me for it because I can't understand and then I get alienated, and then I get hateful, and then I try so hard to understand because I’m afraid to become hateful, etc. It's just a vicious cycle. Pure emotion alone does not make sense to me. I get mad at myself for it. I'm not sure what's considered right or wrong at times because of how hard it is to wrap my brain around certain things.

I don’t like to state the fact that I’m autistic for people to get my problems with empathy and need to understand everything. I would never want to use it as a crutch or a card. I question if I’m even autistic at times because of how much I mask it, but there is definitely something different with my brain. Sometimes I feel like I have to bring up any minority status of mine for people to even begin to empathize and that’s sad. Everyone wants to be a savior and help the less fortunate. Do I really have to state I’m an autistic Hispanic woman with AvPD because of identity politics in order to get empathy? Or call myself nonbinary and ace/aro to attain even more of a minority status? I don’t like to label myself, especially to play cards like that, but sometimes I feel like I have to. I hate being reduced to labels and why I dislike identity politics. I am simply me and nothing more.

People call me unempathetic because, ironically, they do not wish to empathize with me. For me, my empathy ends when logic ends and that is a flaw for some. This makes me that cold robot people view me as. It makes it difficult for me because I do not have unconditional empathy for others. Ironically, sometimes unconditional empathy can evolve into hatred and violence. That kind of self-righteous moral abuser who weaponizes it, I’ve been hurt by people like this so many times. I’m very afraid of people who weaponize “good” to attack others. Toxic positivity, moral abuse and whatnot. Become so unempathetic you become a monster or become so empathetic you… become a monster.


virtue
“They preach to me of prosperity and peace. A virtue they call themselves. Their hands are stained with blood, yet to them, I am the perilous one.”

There’s so much divide and we refuse to understand one another and are sometimes even encouraged not to. People are too worried about being seen as a good person rather than recognizing and being vigilant of their evil, those negative traits that hurt people. Nobody is a bastion of morality, but people always want to be. People genuinely believe what they’re doing is good and anyone who goes against it is bad. Sometimes people just don’t mix, like a volatile chemical reaction. Nobody is inherently good nor evil. People just want to ignore and never take the time to understand their own evil or someone else’s. It’s like you’re either a completely evil person or a completely good person, ignoring all nuance and the complexity of a human.

This is where I want to talk about some political shit, the burner of almost all my bridges. Certain ideologies do not make sense to me because they are more for the mind of an idealist rather than that of a pragmatist. For some reason, despite being an artist, one of the most idealistic types of people, I am not one. That has been confusing me. I am a creative, why am I not an idealist? Should I not be one? Idealists tend to be more left-leaning and... I don’t relate to it. I've felt very very VERY alienated in the art community because of this. Even stating this is so difficult for me because I will be labeled with so many negative things, just for not aligning with that. I saw threads on Toyhouse basically putting people on a pillory who aren't left leaning, even neutral, and that just put a disgustingly sour taste in my mouth. Yeah, attack and alienate others for being different. Where is that empathy you claim to have? You just weaponize it, you are part of the cycle of hatred.

My need for understanding, my stubbornness; my hot headed, sardonic, pessimistic, rational nature. This is not the nature of an artist and so I feel I will never fit in the art world. I don't really know how else to describe it without sounding like a pretentious asshole. People have used their extreme leftist political dogmas to drag me down, threaten me, alienate me, and even sexually harass me. I have had someone do a complete 180 in political beliefs because he knows he will be protected if he's of a leftist mindset, because I am not of that nature. What I mean by a “far-leftist” mindset is someone who is so extreme with their views of unity, freedom, and love that they become the complete opposite of what they preach, ironically becoming an alienator, authoritarian, and hater of all those different than them. They want freedom, but have no self-control and end up hurting people. Freedom without self-control is self-destruction. That kind of violent vigilante extremism scares me. I’ve been hurt so much by people like this and because of my pattern-noticing aversion, people call me a fuckin’ "nazi" and "fascist" because of the way I think. I'm not taking anything away, I'm not trying to control anyone, I am trying to understand.

Because I don’t associate myself with leftist politics, I am an "enemy". An abusive ex named Spatium who has vulnerable narcissistic tendencies used this to hurt me. He told me "You will never be welcome in the art community again". A sad manipulator, epitome of the horse shoe theory. He scared people away from me because of his actions, then turned around to those same exact people to attack me through extremist politics. His friends of similar ideology support this behavior, support this acute lack of understanding and empathy because their extremism binds them together. They will misunderstand to the point of misconstruing, demonizing, and excommunicating. This is why I am afraid of certain ideologies because they refuse to listen and want to ruin me. Current year politics of cancel culture, a neo-Salem; people burning witches at the stake because they’re too afraid to understand. Fear controls you, makes you violent. Fear makes me lash out too, it’s part of being unfortunately human.

Because I get mad and frustrated when I do not understand, people want to hurt me. They view me as some kind of Don Quixote windmill monster that needs to be vanquished instead of conversating like a normal person. Same thing with far rightists, don’t think I’m being a dickrider for them. They think I'm a faggy degenerate artist who is worthless for society, that I'm a blight and shouldn't be acting the way I do; that I need to shut the fuck up and learn my place, make babies and act feminine; that I’m mentally ill and retarded, I’m no better than leftist extremists, etc. That kind of extremism where only your ideology is right and every one else is evil and backwards, I detest all of it. What happens if you tell someone they're monster over and over and over? They might really become that monster you project onto them. What happens if you lecture someone over and over and try to control them? They will rebel against you. I unfortunately get so angry at this harsh misunderstanding that I lash out and I end up scaring people. I end up becoming that monster people want to portray me as.


cold hatred
"You've left me out in the cold too long. Why did you do this to me? My heart has turned to ice."

One thing I fear most is becoming so hateful to the point I fully lose my empathy, becoming that monster. Leftism has really, seriously hurt me in many ways, more-so than rightists, but I still don't like to identify with the right or any political ideology, for that matter. The drawing above is a reflection of my feelings on this. I don't want to be left out in the cold for so long that my heart loses its warmth, that I start to become hateful from the cold. I don't want compartmentalize certain beliefs as being evil and anyone who thinks that way is an enemy who will hurt me. This is the same thinking that has hurt me, I don't want to continue spreading that hurt. I think of Daryl Davis, how amazing it is to form a connection with someone who wants you dead and completely shifting their world view just by showing some understanding. I also think about an animator named Emily Youcis a lot. What happened to her is what happens when you alienate someone so much that they fall into political extremism. It’s so sad and I relate to it to an extent. People are so cold and unempathetic that they will refuse to understand until they push someone so far into hate. People don’t realize their alienation tactics are part of that vicious cycle.

Show a bigot some respect and see how they react, you can change their life. Bigotry comes from misunderstanding and if you’re not giving someone the chance to understand, the cycle of hatred is just going to continue. Some people are extremely hard to respect, especially those who are finicky, liars, abusive, manipulative, etc. Sometimes it may seem like an impossible feat, but I think everyone is deserving of respect. Unless you’re like a baby rapist turbo murderer idk. I draw the line at capital violation like murder and rape. Sometimes people will abuse your kindness, like the Machiavellian fuckwits who love lying and manipulating. It’s hard to judge on who deserves your respect, if it’s even worth your time. It’s difficult, I know that. The more understanding you give, the more people will understand you. It’s the universal unifier. Don’t be a self-righteous asshole by bullying people with different beliefs. I hate the toxically positive reinforcement of misunderstanding: “Nobody needs to get you! Just fuck the people who don’t!”. You are making it worse.

I’ve seen people getting banned or excommunicated from communities over political disagreements SO MANY TIMES because the banner thinks the offender is some kind of malicious actor. I’ve seen instances of the banner inciting violence and calling someone all kinds of nasty things for pointing out how that need for violence is bad. People who aren’t acting rude or mean get labeled as an enemy for not agreeing. This happens often, you end up stifling people and pushing them away and you expect them not to eventually become hateful? And then eventually violent towards you if they get pushed hard enough? Then you claim anyone of a different mindset is violent towards you and that’s why you’re violent? What a horrible cycle. People imposing their beliefs on others is what I hate the most. Don’t impose, instead you should indulge. Get to know a different story other than your own, instead of trying to preach it to others constantly like it’s gospel.

Enough of that. Here’s about my upbringing. I grew up with unrestricted Internet access at 7 years old, around the late 2000’s and early 2010’s. I still act like I’m from that time because of how much I was molded by it. You don’t really have deductive reasoning at that age and are extremely impressionable. Sometimes I feel like a product of a short era, some kind of hauntological Internet zeitgeist ghost. I remember the Internet before mobile phones were a thing, before the average person was allowed access to it. The Internet has changed so much, it’s like watching a close friend change for the worse. My friends jokingly call it the “colonization” and “gentrification” of the Internet which is kind of true. I was on the Internet for its last few years of when it was genuinely good, in my eyes. You didn’t have so much discontent or corporations choking it and neutering it to be like that SpongeBob episode where he tries so hard to be “normal”. This video explains the old Internet and my feelings on it pretty accurately.

I’ve been addicted to the Internet most of my life, being an only child and because I couldn’t and still can’t really form a connection with people in the real life. Seeing gore, porn, and shitposting constantly really slapped me in the face with reality and gave a coping mechanism for said reality through humor. I was exposed to shit like Encyclopedia Dramatica’s offended page when I was like 12 (Do not look this up it’s just shock images). This molded me into a complete demon when I was younger: sending unsolicited shock images, trolling and harassing people, being a general nuisance for the fun of it; all with my full name and place of residence front and center. I was stupid and completely, utterly fearless. The Internet made me a true and honest demon so I could survive. If I have nothing to hide, if I have no ego or self-love, then I will be untouchable. The world is fucking vile and I need to survive it. Over-exposure to the woes of the world and people demeaning me made me into a misanthropic monster.

This is still somewhat my thinking today, how I tried to mold myself to be. But I think this made me develop in the opposite way through avoidant personality disorder. I don’t have an exact diagnosis, but a psychiatrist told me I more than likely have it and I’m never gonna bother going to therapy again. I exude every symptom and I’m not being a Munchausen fuck. I have no positive sense of self, I view myself as worthless. I tried to strengthen myself through believing everyone’s negativity. Every single negative thing anyone says I take to my heart and truly believe in. I am not human and deserve to be treated as such. Even when people gaslight me and lie I believe it, because I am evil. It’s hard for me to stand up for myself at times because I hate myself so deeply, I think I don’t deserve respect.

I have little to no ego left. This is why I’m starting a blog to talk about myself personally LOL. People say not to talk about yourself personally online because of malicious people, but like… I don’t care anymore. Doxxxx and harass me, I’m tired of being stifled and not able to express myself fully. Put my ego down like an animal so I can be free, I just want to be understood. The worst has already happened, might as well have fun. You can’t fuck me over if I’ve already been fucked over to dust. What are you gonna do? Rape my dust particles?

I’ve already potentially been revenge porned, had everything deeply personal, traumatic, and sexual about me leaked, made fun of, used against me, and demonized. An insanely malicious person knows everything about me and threatens me with it. Someone named Spatium did this to me and his friends like Devirtua like to publicly demonize me. I would never have brought this up if they don’t do petty, superfluous shit like warn people that they’re following me or think I’m a bad person simply for who I choose to follow or interact with. It’s like a kid tugging on the clothes of their teacher to tattle on a kid doing inane shit, still stuck in their childish high school clique phase of causing drama and gossiping. Spatium gets to do gross shit like base a character heavily on me and sexualize it, sexually harass me, more than likely do revenge porn; among other many, many disgusting things, and he gets away with it because he tries so hard to play the politically correct Twitter artist morality game. “I may sexually harass women, but at least I’m not rude!”.

I’m in a genuine confusion as to what I did wrong, his friends and I were on good terms until they just decided to start hating me and even hurting people for being associated with me. I guess Spatium did his hardest to make me “unwelcome” in the art community. It’s tiring and I get no say in anything while they get to talk shit publicly and make mutuals and artists I like block me because they’re more popular or whatever. I just want to enjoy the art and spread my love of it, so it hurts me incredibly because I have done nothing to them but retaliate against their bullshit. I wanted so desperately to be left alone but I can’t be quiet anymore. Every time I stand up for myself they’re like “Ugh let it go”. Yes. I have. You are the ones who won’t stop gossiping and lying about me publicly, so I will bite your bait. Here I will rant and play drama pong, back and forth shittalking that never ceases! I’m an outcast and not part of their monster artist fuckwit clique and they know it. They laugh at it and call me things like “the wench”. I have tried everything to make amends and distance myself so we don't hurt each other, but they will never listen to me, so the least I can do is talk about myself here and hope someone will understand. Some people will never be able to understand one another and this is why humans fucking kill each other, we're so dense and violently tribalistic. It feels futile at times... someone out there will always want you to suffer.


alienation

Anyways, people get mad at me because of my shitposter nature and, again, misunderstand me. I would say things like "nigger" a lot publicly because it was normal on the Internet. It was just part of the culture, if you look back on memes and YTPs. I grew up with Steam and so that shitpost culture was so ingrained in me. I genuinely saw no vitriol or hatred in it, especially edgy jokes and saying slurs, I just thought it was funny and I still do. I do not understand the power of words like that and I never will. I have been lectured by someone I looked up to and basically worshipped when I was younger for saying things like this and I couldn’t understand it. They thought humor was a gateway to the “alt-right” and cynical joking was bad, I thought how miserable that thinking must be, how humorless people are. You must have an entire oak tree up your ass. They thought I would be racist and hateful towards them and brought up the fact they were Hispanic and the history of racism and the slur “spic”. I thought it was funny because I am Hispanic as well, they had no idea.

The things I did didn’t come from hatred it was… just funny to me. This weird sterile thinking was so strange to me, to make a big deal out of nothing. I remember as a kid looking at an image that’s considered a far right hate symbol, the happy merchant, and thought it was just some funny guy who likes money. For years I never understood why people disliked Jewish people or what that image represented, I genuinely just thought it was a funny image making fun of them, no hatred or ill-will wished on anyone. Like a kind of immature childish banter, not something meant to provoke a feeling of violent hatred towards other groups of people. I still think of it that way, just playful banter. I don’t believe any of it. Making fun of groups of people, indiscriminately, being viewed as a bad thing is so alien to me.

Recently my boyfriend showed me this skit on soft language. People don’t like to hear the truth and end up making “soft” words to conceal it, how it just keeps getting worse with each generation. People just don’t like words with ANY negative connotation and will demonize you for using it. It’s crazy to me. It extends to anything. Everything negative has to be toned down or censored because people are so… empathetically weakened?

There’s this kind of morally grey area of misunderstanding I get hung up on. What is wrong or right when it comes to this shit? I am Hispanic, my dearest friends are Hispanic. I have been called "spic sister" and other various slurs that I think are hilarious. My own mother, who has experienced horrible racism and segregation for being Hispanic, thinks slurs are nothing. She has had her life changed drastically because of true and honest racism, but she doesn’t let a single word affect her. That’s powerful. They are nothing but words to us, they can be nothing but words to you too. A friend of mine jokingly calls it a real life dragon shout, that some kind of forbidden word can shock people to the core, alter their psyche and emotional state, take over all their reasoning. A real evil memetic spell. Because of this I get called racist, because I like to say every slur indiscriminately.

Someone explaining to me that a single word can hurt them is like trying to describe a new color to me because it’s something that doesn’t make sense to me OR the people around me. What I know is that laughter takes power away. Imagine the most stereotypical racist bigot calling you a slur and laughing with them or at them! Imagine the reaction. If they truly wanted to hurt you, your laughter will hurt them. So, I just can’t empathize with not laughing at it. Getting mad at them is letting them control you. A word is nothing to me because I’ve seen true and honest horrors of the world. I am kind of like a freedom of speech “extremist” and hate censorship, so that could definitely offput people too.

Being a little girl stuck on the Internet, I had to develop a thick skin in order to exist on it. This is where my sardonic, brash attitude comes from. Transitioning from Steam and into the art community was strange to me because I couldn’t continue that kind of behavior anymore. I’ve officially been on the Internet since 2011 and much before I made an account anywhere. I made my first art account on DeviantArt in 2016. I came from the complete wild fucking west into a more sterile environment. People were so much different, so much more sensitive. It’s like being raised in the Salty Spittoon and then walking into Super Weenie Hut Jr’s. I’m a pessimistic pragmatist trying to get along with idealists who want the world to be united and filled with rainbows and sunshine and kisses and I just… I don’t mix with that.

This was a disaster for me growing up as a teenager. I have scared off or hurt so many people, so many friends, so many inspirations I looked up to, and ruined connections by acting the only way I knew how: shitposting and being edgy to survive. Again with the persistent alienation in my life. People on Steam loved this about me, it’s how I met some of my greatest friends. We love that kind of culture, we connected over it, but people on the more sterile side of the Internet did not appreciate it. In order for me to be an artist I had to learn to shut the fuck up or get dogpiled and alienated. It was so different for me.

I am 23 as of posting this and I still have difficulty acclimating to this kind of environment. Because of this, I have no desire for professionalism. I’ve always wanted to do something art-related as a profession, but I never felt like I could get anywhere because you need connections to do anything and I don’t think it’s worth it in the end. My dream was kinda shattered, I couldn’t do art as my livelihood because other artists always get mad at me and I could never make proper connections, among other reasons (AI is killing the profession). My art is for the fun of it now. It’s for me, not for anyone else. I’m not exactly brandable nor popular, I have gatekept myself and I will never rebrand because my characters and being myself is the most important thing of all to me.

Spatium likes to demonize me because I’m a pretty open book and admit my feelings of envy, like that makes me a bad person for some reason? I’ve been an artist for years and haven’t got a lot out of it while drama hounds capitulate and get to have a following by viciously sucking dick and tearing others down. Well, that’s just not for me! I have a fantastic life in the real world now and I’m slowly starting not to care what others think of me online anymore, being popular is meaningless. I love my OCs dearly, I love drawing for people and I want to express myself to the fullest. Fuck social media, this is why I have been taking the time to create my own site. My art is for the purest form of expression and love. When I draw for people it makes me so happy that I can make someone else happy with my time. Art makes me so happy that even typing this is making me tear up because of how much it means to me, I get so mad people try to take it away from me. Other artists can be insanely vicious and have hurt me deeply, but I will still be here like a cockroach because of how much I love human expression.


ritual
"I paint with my own blood. I sacrifice parts of myself to manifest the feelings that comes to my mind. I am a magician and this is my ritualistic sacrifice."

Now… I want to explain myself on something that many get mad at me for and misunderstand. I want to be more open about it so people will hopefully understand where I’m coming from. I do not get gender politics. I get frustrated, I get called "transphobic" because I don't think gender is real and prefer to go by biological sex. As a woman with body dysphoria, I have little to no femininity in me, but I don't wish to label myself with gender labels because they’re just sexist stereotypes to me. I’ve wanted nullification surgery before I even knew what transgenderism was and I still do. I never want to prevent someone from getting SRS/GRS if they truly believe it will help, but I’m aware of the horrific negative complications and don’t want to put myself through it. I simply refer to myself by my sex because it’s true and absolute, I just act NOTHING according to it.

Just because I’m female doesn’t mean I love pink, wear dresses, love to clean and cook, am submissive, etc. that is sexist to me. Gender is too metaphysical and abstract to me, it is a social construct, so I won’t label myself with that. It will not make sense to make it something absolute. I don’t prefer to go by sex out of sexism and bigotry, I do it for the complete opposite reason. I want people to be able to express themselves to the fullest without having the bogus notion of “gender” dictating their identity. This is how I personally view it and don’t want to push it on others, but that means I don’t like people pushing their views on me.

I can easily call myself non-binary, but instead I truly believe the abolishment of gender will set us free instead of trying to define and confine ourselves through it. Sex means nothing, it’s an identifier not so much an “identity”, if that makes sense? A rightist will call me a retarded liberal for thinking this way and a leftist will call me a transphobic bigot. It’s just things that I can never understand and then I get called all kinds of nasty things because I don’t. I’m not confined to one side or the other, it’s called critical thinking. I think for myself, not what other people tell me to. Call me “ignorant” or not “socially modern” when I have researched so much and interacted with people trying to understand and I still can’t. I’m not that ignorant stereotypical bigoted trash you view me as, stop being so technocratic. It’s not that simple. Gender is an extremely difficult thing for me to grasp, I am confined to nothing and go unlabelled, so please call me anything you wish.

And to be clear, I do not hate trans people. People think I do. I can come off as such because I’m critical of the ideology, but I don’t want to harm others. Malicious people demonize me and take what I say out of context and I don’t like that, I talk mad shit sometimes and people think I want others dead because of how much of a hot head I am. I’ve been seriously damaged by some trans people, but they are still human and I really do understand their pain, I simply do not understand the ideology and why people push it so much. People call me transphobic or even lgbtphobic because of misunderstanding me, which I definitely don’t help with because I can be an ass. I’ve heard of people who hate me say something along the lines of “If Trisynine is transphobic why did she draw a trans OC? Why did she draw for someone who is trans?” which is incredibly stupid. The answer is right there: I’m not.

My two most cherished and beloved OCs are transsexual and gay, so idk, make of that what you will. I don’t think someone filled with pure hatred for others like that would have their most important OCs be of what they supposedly hate. I would love to get a mastectomy one day, but, you know, I’m supposedly just a bodily-autonomy-fascist who wants to take your rights away. I get frustrated when people don’t get nuance and have to compartmentalize. I can find an ideology annoying, get tired of it being imposed on me, or even disagree with it without wanting to kill people. Take it easy.


not human

Above is my truesona. She is breastless and neuter because that’s how I want to be viewed as. All of my characters have no concept of gender and most are neuter, it’s actually an important thing in my worldbuilding. The idea is comforting for me, speaking as a human that’s forced to act a certain way due to the way I was born. I love the idea of a world with no gender. I don’t like to be labeled, I don’t like to associate myself with groups, I do not like herd mentality. I think I’ve been alienated so much to the point I don’t want to be put into a mold in any way. I’m like a wild animal and people want to put me in a cage. My entire belief system is being contrarian to avoid labels and have freedom, I guess? The closest political ideology I can label myself with is individualist anarchism, but even then I don’t like to label myself because there’s not enough fluidity. Very chaotic neutral. I tried joining a Discord recently and they were forcing me to label myself with pronouns to join, which I detest, and just deleted my shit and left. “We don’t want to misgender or offend you!” you are offending me, don’t make me label myself.

I think being understood and to understand has been my ultimate goal artistically. If not to understand, then to respect. I hate people not taking the time to understand but taking the time to hurt. I have been alienated most of my life for various reasons and art has been one of the only ways I can truly express myself without people hurting me or vice versa. I have issues with empathy because logic overrides it, I don't feel fully human. This is one of the reasons why I have always drawn nonhuman things, specifically things out of this world. They are comforting to me because I am that unearthly nonhuman. Most of my stories involve aliens who are, funnily enough, alienated and misunderstood. I'm a very shy and avoidant person. I would rather isolate than talk to most people because of that fear of being misunderstood and I’ve grown so used to it. I rarely enjoy socializing anymore, you’ll never see me online on Discord or Steam.

I never want to be violent, filled with grudges, purposefully misunderstanding... I always want to try and understand, but sometimes I never will. This is the eternal conflict of the entirety of humanity and why we simply cannot just "get along". It’s really difficult for me to get things at times, I get frustrated, but I do try from the bottom of my heart. Something that has always came to mind is that I feel like an alien that’s just here to study humanity, not truly participate in it. I am not one of you and I’m so sorry you have to deal with me.

With me starting this blog maybe someone out there can read this, relate, and understand. Maybe people will be more empathetic and less cold. Maybe that's where my idealism is, to have a world that is more understanding, even towards those who hate you. Understanding someone who hates you isn’t weakness, isn’t giving into their ideologies, it makes you strong and kind. Fear and misunderstanding tears humanity apart and I’m so tired of seeing it. Be kind to others and don’t fucking hide behind a veil of virtue to justify your violence. Too much toxic positivity and too much bigotry. These combine together to form some horrible, blinding phosphorus that will burn down humanity.

Don’t be afraid to explain and express yourself, don’t be afraid to listen, don’t be afraid when someone can’t understand, because being afraid has hurt me and others around me. Tribalism is so fucking stupid and don’t become another cog in people’s machines. I want to be more open, even in the hostile environment of the Internet, though I feel kinda nervous talking about myself like this? Like it’s too egotistical or something, I have to shut up and be stoic. This blog post is some kind of exposure therapy for me, to explain myself and be more open. I want to stand up for myself and not be so afraid anymore.

To end this blog post off, it’s kinda funny, but I’m exactly like Squidward. A bitter, spiteful, envious, failed artist and musician who is a pragmatic pessimist desperately trying to make sense of an absurd world. He is annoyed by everyone and is very misunderstood to the point everyone thinks he’s a horrible, drab person. He just does what he does for the joy of it and for himself. I even own a clarinet that I can barely play, I bought another one recently too! If you want to know me just think of Squidward but, like, Internet poisoned and autistic.

Thank you for reading to the end. If you are someone who hates me and you got this far, I want to say thank you so much, genuinely, for taking the time to try and understand me. That’s one step closer to help with all the discontent in the world. Much love to everyone on the www.